smart jokes

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was
under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing
thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an
appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza
parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You’re an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors.
We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service
entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you’re all FBI agents?
Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you’re all FBI agents?
Agent: That’s right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to
bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the
front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don’t think so…

What to Do When Riding a Dead Horse?

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to
the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best
strategy is to dismount.
However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be
taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead
horses, including the following:
– Buying a stronger whip.
– Changing riders.
– Threatening the horse with termination.
– Appointing a committee to study the horse.
– Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
– Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
– Appointing an intervention team to re-animate the dead horse.
– Creating a training session to increase the rider’s load share.
– Re-classifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
– Change the form so that it reads: “This horse is not dead.”
– Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
– Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
– Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its original cost.
– Providing additional funding to increase the horse’s performance.
– Do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity.
– Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
– Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
– Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
– Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.
– Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.
The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50!
However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. ‘Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.’
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant ever again, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too
concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father de-cided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects:
1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.
“I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself. “When he comes home from school to-day, I’ll see which object he picks up.”
“If it’s the bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he’s going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.”
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month’s centerfold.

“Lord have mercy,” the old preacher disgustedly whispered. “He’s gonna run for Congress.”

New corporate efficient business communication policy

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individual throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of New and Innovative “TRY SAYING “phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a fucking bitch.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won’t work.

TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I’m on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF : Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This fucking job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a prick.

Thank You, The Management

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